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Thursday, 18 June 2009

The real Delhi University

Its that ridiculous time of year again when school finishing students across India race to the ends of the land in search of academic salvation.Needless to say,its the engineering colleges that get most applicants,but 2nd only to that would be the number of application forms oozing into administrative offices of Delhi University.Everyone wants to be part of Delhi University(useful hint:its abbreviated as DU,because it makes you sound a tad cooler than you actually might be),where studying is a criminal offense (2nd only to not smoking).

Central to DU,the college who's facade immediately jumps to mind on mention of it is St. Stephen's college.This college is the epitome of 'cool'.Its the ambition of every parent in New Delhi to see their seemingly direction-less child gain fame and glory (and more importantly,money) when he/she enters its sacred gates.Everybody dreams of walking out onto the petty streets wearing the Stephanian sweatshirt like a coat-of-arms.

It took just a list for the reality to emerge.On this day,the 18th of June,in the year of our lord 2009,St Stephen's brought out its cut-off list for various bachelor's courses:

Now,this list immediately brings out a reaction akin to that of a bimbo's father when he sees the telephone bill.A gargantuan rise in percentages is what we find upon close examination.The reason that the college gives for this drastic action is that board results have been high in India and hence so should be the cut-off.Now,the layman will think:"well yeah makes sense because its the elite who make it to this college".Well layman,figure this:out of the total no of seats that applicants are battling with bloodshed for,50% are reserved for Christians (20% of these are for Christian Dalits while 40% of them are for Christians from North India) and 10% is reserved for SC/ST/OBC and physically challenged.The unfortunate percentage that were not baptized or born into caste-victimized families (or both) get just 40%.

THIS,my friends,is the situation of education in India.Its only for the 40% that this list is being released.This 40% is what makes up the 'elite' Stephanian crowd.Its the bunch of idiots who have studied without sleep for at least a month to be able to get a good education.It seems that the college wants them to lose some more sleep.A 95% is not a good enough percentage for them.The child who knows Chemistry for the science it is will lose his seat to the child who practically remembers every page number of a topic in his Chemistry book.

Education in India is dead.Mechanization is the new 'art'.Religious 'sentiments' are preferred over practical knowledge.If you're a Christian,you will find enough of your kind in the aforementioned 'prestigious' college.Who knows how many there will be.More importantly,best of luck in looking for one who actually knows his/her subject.And the saddest part is that people still stand for this.A rise in cut-offs will anger only those who did not get in,while others will be filled with the pride of getting the ultimate stamp of elitism.

The truth is,religion and social blasphemy have taken a very convenient shit on the face of education.Society is self-destructing due to its lack of practicality.And as Indians,the best we shall do is laugh it off with the 'this is India,my friend' statement.And then its back to our pitiful,religion and superstition-driven lives.

And this is just St Stephen's.Who knows what the rest of DU's lists will turn out to be.So kids,if you're looking for a good education in DU,follow these simple rules:

1. Get a fake identity made,preferably Christian or Dalit or both
2. Make sure you know insiders in the DU administration so that they can get you into the course you 'deserve'
3. Keep lots of money aside in case methods 1 and 2 fail
4. Be prepared to get chucked into a college full of lowlife scum because your 90% and above aggregate is too good for the high-society,religious bastards in the college of your choice.

I'm glad I escaped....

Monday, 8 June 2009

Another bass cover: Kreator-Servant in Heaven,King in Hell

I had to tune my bass guitar down to : D G C F for this. I'm quite jittery.Please refer to last video for reasons to that.

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Khooni Murga by Workshop - Now THIS is the Great Indian Comedy Show

This is a review I've written primarily for Headbangers India. Here goes:

Have you ever worried that you are the only idiot who still wanks to screen nudity? Have you ever felt the sudden urge to pass stool at a very social gathering? Have you ever fantasized about that vixen in a ghaghra-choli? Have you ever been chased by a carnivorous, mutant poultry bird?

Have no fear, for you are not alone! Workshop presents, 'Khooni Murga', a showcase of all aspects of adolescence ranging from your 1st jerk-off session to nightmares about being disemboweled by the 'flightless bird from hell', and everything in between. All this has been specially wrapped into a tight package of memorable metal music and cheeky bouts of crooning. If you've ever felt outcast for finding a sexual innuendo in everything, then this album is your new best friend-in waiting.

Alright, enough sales talk. Down to business. This album marks a new pinnacle in Indian metal. Now, bands will not fight to be the most technical, or the most brutal or epic; please welcome the era of comedic metal, brought to you by The Demonstealer (Sahil Makhija-vocals,rhythm guitar), The Rijunator (Riju Dasgupta-bass), The Hamzoid (Hamza Kazi-drums) and The Rajbot (Rajarshi Bhattacharya-lead guitar). Think tight (and sometimes even brutal) metal music with the funniest of tunes and lyrics, and that very evenly sums up 'Khooni Murga'. The title is a wordplay of the title of a B-grade Hindi movie, and is basically a tribute to everything that an Indian can be ashamed of. The 1st song is 'She Folked Up My Jazz', a hard rock piece about lust being a jazz player's downfall. Its a very promising kick-off to an album, and like a typically good album opener, is a sign of even better things to come. 'Pudhe Sarka' (which is Marathi for 'aage khisakh') is a humble acknowledgment of a bad day without change on a BEST bus. Unlike the previous track, this one is blazing thrash metal track. Now, the next song as mentioned on the tracklisting, is 'Chati ke Saath Panga' but in reality it's been swapped with the succeeding track 'I Came'. 'I Came' is a song that EVERY male listener will relate to as it glorifies the 1st time a boy masturbates with tongue-in-cheek lyrics like 'Here I am with a loaded gun,it's pointed at you baby here I cum'. It also ends with the doomy line 'and I'm all out of sperm'. 'Chati ke Saath Panga' is a unique concept about a certain daaku Kamla Devi who has disturbingly large tits which she uses to terrorize people with. Instrumentally, this song has a very dark undertone and if it wasn't for the lyrics and vocal melody, it would be very at home on a Demonic Resurrection album.

The track to follow is the very 'colloquially' (for want of a better word) titled 'Garba Gandu' and as you might have guessed, is about a Gujju looking for pussy on a Garba night. The hallmark of this song is Hamza's ratta-ta-ta-ta snare that sounds like dandiya drumming. It ALSO has a very provocative Gujarati chorus section with BLAST BEATS! Next up is the very funky recipe 'How to Make a Demonic Omelet'. The title is quite self-explanatory so I will conveniently move on to the next track. 'Kothai Doro Cho' is a dig at a Bengali who feels the sinister urge to deposit what cannot be digested at a social gathering, and is running around looking for a place to do so. It has a very catchy yet heavy tremolo-picked hook and ends with a deadly E-major barrage that sounds like something off a Gojira album. The following track is the one that had made EVERY one clued in to India's metal scene to log on to YouTube and type 'bunty aur mallika sherawath'. Similar reactions were sparked by the next track 'Cookie Monster', a ballad about fighting a losing battle against sleep while chatting with a female e-pal/pussy hopeful. It has the distinction of being called 'cool' by none other than metal's master of innovation, Mathias Eklundh. The album then ends with the title track, one that has a very death metal sound to it and also has Sahil muttering 'A Darkness Descends'. Another publicity gimmick, and a pretty solid one at that.

All throughout this album can be found references to the penis, though not in an epic 'I'm the god-king with the longest and tightest rod' manner that Nile follow, but instead in a way very similar to what teenagers across the country refer to it as. The production is brilliant and so are the references to Demonic Resurrection. It also comes with a DVD containing over 2 hours of band footage, something that requires a separate review.

So, if you ever feel that your day is going bad, just pop in this CD and ensure a happy state of mind for the duration that it runs. Workshop claim no responsibility whatsoever for a return to a bad mood afterwards.